Monthly Archives: October 2014

My first book club

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There were 8 kids in their family, seven in ours. They had lost a parent early too. And there were some hard things in both our households. But our days were framed with play. And library books.

i remember recommendations and commentary being traded over the Beverly Cleary books, the  Borrowers, Stuart Little, Betsy, Tasy and Tib.

But the standout series for the girls next door and I were the Little House books.  In the days before they were paperback and you couldn’t put a “hold” at the school library just hoping that next chapter book would be available when room 4-1 had our library day. But the girls next door were buying one another these beautiful books , one at a time, for birthdays and holidays. Each hoped to obtain her own full set.

And were happy to join in with talk about my literary heroine and the adventures of her pioneer family.

It’s hard for me to articulate what a guiding force these books and Laura’s observations of her inner and outer world were to me.

This week my daughter (the author’s namesake) and I travel to some of the places I read and talked about with the girls next door. Pepin, Walnut Grove, DeSmet, the museum at Rocky Ridge Farm in Missouri where precious family objects reside.

Like Laura and her family I remember the girls next door sometimes breaking spontaneously into song. Harmonizing church hymns. And thinking “people really do that, break into song, just like the olden days”

 

passengers

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In the crowded waiting area she had suitcases, totes, 2 lunch bags, an ice chest. A folded wheelchair. She was a bit younger than me. She told me her name, age, list of maladies and dietary restrictions before I said hello. Then tested her blood sugar and told me the result, and the history of her blood sugars over the past two weeks in Hawaii (where the Dole Pineapple Whip was so amazing)

An older gentleman in a Hawaian shirt was sitting in a wheelchair nearby. They struck up a conversation about Hawaii. While he negotiated his sandwich and paperwork a number of things fell under his wheelchair. Ketchup and mustard packets, his reading glasses and phone.  The younger woman pointed to me and said loudly to him  “Don’t move! This lady is going to crawl under your chair and get a few things!” I dutifully collected his items, and they went on with their conversation.

A little later I left to use the restroom. When I returned my former seat was taken. There was one seat left at the back wall, between a very large and tall man and a young woman.  When I asked if the seat was taken the man said “No. This seat is your destiny!”

He looked to be doing the hardest Sodoku puzzle ever invented. I started reading my book so I wouldn’t look like a slouch. The woman next to me tapped me on the arm “Look what this one is wearing!” She indicated a young woman with shiny hot pants and spiky heel boots. “I suddenly feel underdressed for this plane ride!” We started a conversation. She was on her way from Alaska to Minneapolis to visit with old college friends. Then she asked if I could watch her bags and save her seat and I agreed.

The person to the left of her left their seat shortly after, so now it appeared there were two seats open together in the crowded waiting area.  Every minute or two people approached. A young couple who had bought salads and drinks, a mother and a child, an older couple holding onto one another. To each I said “I am so sorry. This one seat is taken, but the other appears to be free.”  Mr. Sudoku said “You are getting quite the assertiveness workout”

The young woman returned, and they began calling the boarding. I had upgraded to first so said goodbye and began to move forward. Mr. Sudoku was also in first and I hoped we would sit together but I was a row behind. In the aisle across from him sat the Hawaiin shirt man speaking loudly on his cell phone “When I left the hospital this morning I felt worse. Then I passed out. Then better. I just have to remember to take all of the..” When he finished the conversation the stewardess sat beside him and asked a few questions.

Around that time the young woman whose seat I had saved earlier boarded the plane. “Teresa!” She said when she saw me, “This is your chance to trade this bogus first class seat for my safe and luxurious scrunched up seat in the back! Come on, you don’t know what you’re missing”.

After she passed by the young man next to me said “Do you know each other? She was funny!” I sat at the aisle and he sat at the window. I noticed a cagey energy to him, like, tightly wound but very polite. The stewardess came by with some water and just handed it to us, looking distracted. The pilot came on the intercom and said we needed to wait for a dozen passengers whose connecting flight was just bringing them to the terminal

The stewardess was with an airline employee in the aisle. She said to the man in the Hawaiin shirt “Mr.  So and So from our airlines would like to ask you a few questions.” Over the next few minutes the Hawaiin shirt man went into loud and great detail about his recent medical history. He did have a travel clearance note from his doctor but had put it in his checked luggage. His doctor was available 24/7 though and he gave the airline person his doctor’s number. He said “Basically they ARE sending me home to die but are almost positive that won’t happen in the next week or so”

The airline rep left and the passengers we were waiting for arrived. One sat next to the Hawaiin shirt man, who immediately began talking to him. The new passenger said nothing, took earphones out of his bag, put them on and plugged them in to an iPod, and closed his eyes. The man in the Hawaiin shirt either didn’t notice or didn’t mind, as he continued talking for quite awhile.

We were cleared for takeoff. The young man next to me said “I am glad they checked out that guy’s medical clearance”  He told me that he was a trained EMT, and the last flight he had been on, he’d had to sit on the floor of the galley with a stretched out passenger who was having a heart episode. The man had survived and was stable when they landed and he was picked up by ambulance, but then of course the flight was very late getting in.  He also said that he bet there had been doctors or nurses on that flight but they knew  to not raise their hands and volunteer.

I was starting to feel a bit socially tired, so made some polite conversation enders. I went back to reading. I played games on the tablet, listening to music. My seat mate was watching a movie. The stewardess brought dinner. I thought to try the red wine, and slowly sipped about half the small glass tumbler. Dinner was finished and as I got my book out again my head began to whirl.

The familiar hot flash feeling began, but got hotter, and then hotter. I knew that I was going to vomit, and fast. I reached around for the airsickness bag, and found it through fog. I felt a hand on my shoulder, heard fading voices as I vomited into the bag. Then a few moments passed. Cool on the back of my neck. Then noise/sensation crashing back in. “Okay. ” I answered (though I hadn’t remembered the question) “I am okay. Yes!” My seatmate had his hand on one shoulder, another on my wrist. The stewardess was kneeling beside me in the aisle, pressing a cool wet cloth to the back of my neck. My seatmate said “You were OUT there for a second!” It was strange but I felt calm, clear, and my stomach felt calm. The stewardess now had a warm cloth, a ginger ale.

I turned to my seatmate and said laughing, “I am sorry! You were probably thinking you would have to ride on the galley floor again! And I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t raise your hand and waited to see if the doctors and nurses would take their dang turn for once!” He said he felt terrible but it had crossed his mind. He asked me what happened and I described the hot flash feeling that made me nauseous. The hormone I am taking for treatment. And apparently not helped by red wine.

Then began a beautiful conversation between us.

About cancer. Mine, and his wife’s.

About death. The two bands on his arm for two best friends killed in Iraq. The dad he never had time for in a car accident the week before they were going to see one another after years apart. John’s death.

About anger, fear, sadness and all the things we can’t overpower no matter how much force. About being in wars so long you don’t know peace even when you’re in it.  About being executor of his father’s estate with no information about who his father really was or his wishes. About saving yourself through a higher power and wanting to punch it in the neck if it exists.

When his helicopter was fired at in Iraq he should have died with his friends. His wife almost died and now she’s fine but he can’t shake the fear of her cancer returning. They almost got divorced and one night reunited with tears over the question “Why are we here? Why are we even fucking alive?” And somehow ended up with an answer.

His answer was just to trust . Fate. If he is still here then he’s still here. And he should do the things that matter. Know the people in his life, who they are, what they think about, what they need. And stop putting off the things that bring you joy. He had retired from the service, been doing treatment for PTSD, supporting his wife, and, now that she was getting better, had decided to go and visit extended family for something other than a funeral. Time at the lake with his sisters, their families.

Our religious and political thoughts were very different, but I said I felt a spiritual connection.  We exchanged first names so we could continue to send prayer for one another, and I asked the name of his wife too. He said there are things I am meant to do, but I don’t have to worry because they will find me. He said “I don’t know how I know this but I just do”.

The flight was ending. We said goodbye and I thanked he and the stewardess for looking out for me.  Just then he got a call back from his sister who was waiting outside for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DeBaltimoryifying my Catechism

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perception

Wonderful Jasper shared an idea with me, about writing a personal catechism. I looked up the “Baltimore Catechism” that I remember memorizing parts of as I prepared for First Communion and Confirmation in the Catholic church when I was a child.

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I thought I would enjoy taking a walk through many of these questions again, (whether at “half time” or “4th quarter” of life), and try to articulate what I honestly, actually believe now in words. I also thought I’d modify, add or delete questions as I follow my own process.

And of course you know I’m curious about your own personal catechism. I think we are all brave for just showing up, and trying to live with this beautiful mystery.

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(The cartoons are from a Tarot inspired spiritual development project I made in graduate school)

LESSON FIRST

Who made the world?

I haven’t read any modern theories of physics, but I resonate with the gist that the first atom of the universe was not there, and then it instantaneously WAS there and has been exploding outward ever since. I have no idea why the universe came into being and if there was Intellegence involved or just random weirdness. As for other universes or planes of existence I don’t know if they exist, and if they do, how they came into being. The world/nature is an amazing design which is hard for me to imagine evolving without a Designer.

Who/what is God/dess, Divinity?

A Being or Value which some humans believe created and rules all the known and unknown world.

Who/what is God/dess, Divinity, to me?

I resonate to the idea of an eternal Collective (of which we are all a part) whose purpose is creativity, inquiry and play. Part of the inquiry and play may be to involve Itself in an act of Its own imagination, but in such a way as to not remember (for a time) that it is a game. The events that follow would be unpredictable, and interesting.

I also resonate with the kind/just Father, Son and Holy Spirit I grew up with and KuanYin/Mother Mary Goddess of Compassion. But each one as portraying general qualities of the Divine.

I also feel like we might be part of a being, who is part of infinitely smaller and larger beings. Like a cell who has an infinite body and resides in an infinite body and so on.

In general, I have no idea or certainty. But really hope IT will be revealed as ultimately more beautiful and complex and sweet than I could ever imagine now.

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What are humans?

Humans are animals who evolved (whether through chance or plan). Our brains have evolved not only survival strategies but creativity, curiosity and spiritual longing.  And we have opposable thumbs so we can make and build stuff.

Why did God/dess Divinity make humans?

There are two equally compelling ideas, and I don’t see how they could go together but somehow they do in my mind. I don’t have any idea if either/neither or both are true.

  1. With or without divine involvement, humans are the result of atmospheric and geological forces which took centuries upon centuries. With centuries upon centuries before we were even a candidate for any stand-out status, and probably centuries upon centuries after we are extinct.

AND    2. We agreed to participate in the divine game as described above. We are our own SIMS, in a temporal program.

Why was I made, specifically?

Again, these two equally compelling ideas come to mind, and seem to coexist.

1. With or without divine involvement, I am the product of my parents joining their DNA at a specific moment. A both natural and unique flowering and fruiting of the human family tree.

AND

  1. The eternal ME decided to play a temporal game in order to explore questions and ideas.

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What must we do to save our souls?

I’m not sure how to articulate this question in a way that is meaningful to me. Maybe, What are the best standards of practice for being human? If this is a game We are playing, what would the most satisfying outcome of the game be for an individual human?

 

What are the best standards of practice for being human? If this is a game We are playing, what would be the most satisfying outcome of the game for an individual human?

(This answer is in progress and I am very interested in the answers others have formulated.)

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How shall we know the things which we are to believe?

Observation. Asking wiser humans and/or being inspired by them. Reading sacred texts and listening to nature. Thinking and meditating on our ideas. Asking the “Divine Whatever” (Dawn’s name for IT) for guidance. Seeing how our beliefs do or don’t increase our ability to act justly and lovingly toward ourselves and others, and adjusting them as needed.

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flower love spell

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i was walking along visiting stores and art. i felt fatigued and headachey, curious and content. i saw friends and enjoyed meandering on my own.

at the psychic clothing store, i noticed the curtains were drawn in the psychic parlor (usually you can see the consultation going on). i didn’t recognize the name of the practitioner listed.

suddenly i had a very strong intuitive feeling that i should ask about a reading. the woman at the counter said “it’s a little different today. she is doing love spells.”

when available, the young woman asked me to take a seat. she left momentarily. i sat down at a table with bouquets of flowers, various vials of things, and a large bowl of water.

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when she returned she offered me chocolate and had some herself. then she closed the curtains around us. she led me through a guided meditation of following the breath. opening to the light above and the groundedness below. and the infinite possibilities. the space and our shared energy felt sacred.

she said before we started that she just wanted to tell me she felt a deep joy and vibrance in me. she said, “like when the day is already beautiful, and then you see some bold sunflowers.”

then she said “when you are ready, tell me how love is for you now, and how you want it to be”. so much emotion bubbled to the surface, poured out my eyes. she said things to honor the presence of emotion, and to give it as much room as it needed to wait for its voice.

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after a time, i talked with her about my gratitude, my grief. the intimacy and belonging and love i do have. and the areas of longing and loneliness. the insecurity and the preciousness of now. she asked me to form an intention. to write it. we both spoke it aloud.

then it was time for the flowers to work. she had a small empty goblet, and began the spell with clear water. then added various elements and spices, and petals from flowers, talking about each one and its healing/helping properties.

flowers have always entranced me. to me they are both earthy and divine, sensual and elegant, strategic and romantic.

after adding all of the elements, she asked me to focus on my intention and she mixed the blend, and sent the energy out with chimes.

she then presented me with the goblet and invited me to drink a sip, and to anoint my pulse points with it. this was one of the most sacramental experiences i have ever had.

i felt divine presence around me in color and scent, comfort and courage. i felt love for myself, and gratefulness for how life arranges meaningful healing.

she asked me to choose two flowers and gave them to me in a vial with the spell water. she introduced me to the ways these flowers can assist me. then she said this had been an important experience for her (though she didn’t say why), and she preferred that we do not bring money into it but just both receive it as a gift.

tortuga was sitting on a chair out in the yard when i got home. i let her smell the flowers and talked with her about my experience. she was a little interested, but then reminded me i was late getting her dinner.

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listen to jerry

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last night in cancer group i talked about this feeling of disinvestment. i worry that it’s a sign of depression. others could relate. i think it’s a reaction to the existential slap in the face of living with something “incurable” and “terminal”. and facing the human condition itself. none of us will be here in 150 years (except, maybe, my aunt virgie who is now 92). to me it’s amazing the civilization and art and knowledge humans are able to create given our rate of turnover.

last night watching jerry seinfeld talk to david letterman and he said when he gets anxious about trying to make just the right decision he thinks “in 60 years i will be long dead and is this decision so big in the light of that?” david letterman thought that was really morbid, but jerry said it’s actually very freeing.

being a scorpio, i’ve always had a big dose of ambition and drive. to create something unique that impacts a lot of people. a hermit who wants to be a household word. a way of affirming “i was here” and to leave something comforting or inspiring. i also have social justice aspirations. i know that all of the world’s ills won’t be comforted in my lifetime, but i would like to be part of the evolving force. and maybe make small impacts along the way.

but i don’t want to work too hard at it. lately i’ve felt lacksidaisical about saving or impacting the world. people in cancer group reframed “you are still ambitious- making something unique-memories, relationships, moments” a legacy of connection.

yesterday i set up my photos as the desktop background on my computer, shuffling, changing every 10 seconds. i listen to pandora on shuffle. the pictures and music are a meditation.

what an amazing gift i’ve been having of life. the things that will still matter in sixty years.